How to find self-love - Identify Your Belief System
Why does it take us so long to love ourselves? Why are we still fighting societal standards of beauty? Why are we still self-critical? You would think that as we get older, we would figure out how to love ourselves properly. So, what’s standing in our way?
The answer is OURSELVES and our belief systems or narratives that have been stored within us since childhood. The story we have told ourselves prevents us from properly loving ourselves. We all have belief systems that have been hard-wired into our subconscious. They usually sound like: “I am not enough” or “I am a burden” and so forth. It usually becomes a constant, running line that tends to creep up in your negative, self-talk.
So, what if you don’t know your belief system? Or what if you do know and aren’t sure how it’s preventing you from moving forward or completely loving yourself?
I am a firm advocate for journaling. It is a concrete way to face yourself. It forces us to take what lives inside of our subconscious and put it into a visible and tangible format. Once you see it or release it, you can’t turn away from it. It will exist and eventually, maybe not that second, you will be forced to face it.
I have created a series of questions that I have used for myself, even before my education on mental health and coping. My questions are tailored to identify the root belief system and how it manifests in daily life. Our belief systems create patterns. These patterns help us choose our careers, our financial mindsets, our partners, and even how other people treat us. Walking through these questions can help you identify your belief system, patterns, and ways to move forward. In turn, it will set you on your path to self-love. Trust the process. I have used it for every aspect of my life that I felt needed exposure or a critical, analytical approach. It works, but only if you’re willing to face yourself.
Are you ready? If so, click the link below. Your new healed life is waiting.
Restoring Jackie…
In 2019, I was asked to be a keynote speaker for A Candlelight Vigil in Memoriam of those we’ve lost to addiction. It was held in Camden County, NJ, by the Addictions Task Force of Camden County - started by Freeholder Lou Cappelli. I had the privilege of meeting Deputy County Administrator, Dominic Vesper and Camden County’s Health Services worker, Ann Biondi, two original members of the Task Force, both of whom could empathize with my loss. I am grateful for that experience. That conversation alone was enough to move me, inspire me, and remind me of the good that exists in our community. At the young age of 25, my sister, Jackie, died of what some would call an accidental overdose. To be asked to deliver a speech of hope, of remembrance, of awareness, was an honor. Attached here is a link to my speech. I hope that this resonates with those who have lost someone to addiction. It’s time we break the stigma, restore the image of our loved ones, and begin to heal.
https://www.camdencounty.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/vigil-speech.pdf
Triggers
Ah, the hot word: triggered. “I’m so triggered right now!” I hear the younger generations say this one far too often. Everyone get’s triggered. It’s a part of life, but what are we actually doing about it? Other than just saying the catch phrase? I had an interesting experience recently where I knew the finger was on the trigger, and I was a hair away from letting out a chain of emotions that probably have been stored in my body since 2005. I had to stop, breathe, and then sit with the trigger for awhile. Journal it. Understand it. Befriend it. Forgive it. Triggers aren’t going anywhere, so we should take the time to identify them, learn some emotional regulation strategies to help us in the moment, and then find out where they come from. The last thing we want is for our reactions to cloud our everyday hard work or our character. We will be better for it and so will the people around us.
“Out of the Dark”
“Out of the Dark” is my collection of poetry that I wrote during one of the darkest periods of my life. Originally, it was a method to empty the thoughts in my brain. My head was an ugly space to live in at that time. It was dangerous to stay in that mindset. During this process, I noticed that resources around me didn’t dive into what depression feels like, sounds like, looks like, so my intention shifted. I documented my days the best I could - the depth of depression, the minimal good days, the shattering of any hopeful days, the battles of the mind, and then finally, making it to the other side - in order to validate the experience for others. During my depression, I struggled with exposing these thoughts to my family and friends, because they are extremely painful, and because I haven’t heard anyone discussing this level of darkness, almost as if it didn’t exist. Would have I felt as alone if I had some real content to relate to?
“Out of the Dark” isn’t a work that has the answers, but it will remind you that what you are thinking and feeling is real and understood, not just by me, but the vast majority of humans, who at one point or another, will face depression. If you thought it, so have I. If you felt it, so have I. If you’re dancing between life or death, I have also. It will remind you that there is light. It will remind you what happiness feels like. It will remind you that your soul is asking you to stay on this earth, and if you truly listen to it, it will guide you to a brighter day; A day where you will finally climb out of the dark.
“Out of the Dark” is working its way through the publication process. I hope to bring it to you as soon as possible, in hopes that we mend sooner, open up more often, and understand further.
Life’s is made of…
I had the realization that life is a woven timeline of the following: montages of our happiness and the consequential paths made up our daily choices - both big and small. It’s one thing if these choices only affect you, but if they expand outwards, if they grab onto the ones you love, you will spend so much time scrambling to sweep the dust away. We have to grant ourselves the forgiveness we need. We have to understand that it’s part of the human condition, and that every decision - whether regretful or not - landed us where we are today.
Dear…
Dear _______,
What if I told you that I’m more like you than you probably thought? What if I told you the human in me recognizes the human in you, and that I understand? What if I said I could see you for who you really are despite all that you have done, and all the stories you have told to cover it? I hope that you would forgive yourself. I hope that you would find peace in your own acceptance, but I understand, it’s not that easy. Maybe you could take my compassion, try it on, and wear it for awhile. I haven’t mastered applying it internally, either, but maybe in time. Maybe in time, I’ll forgive the human in me, just as easily as I can forgive the human in you.
Sincerely,
_________
Out of the Dark
I think some of our greatest revelations are hidden in our darkest days. That idea used to fire me up. Mostly because I was suffering, and I was expected and pressured to find a silver lining when I just wanted to stay down. I was deliberately denying what I already knew - that this ugliness was a part of my plan all along. I just wish someone would’ve told it to me straight. I have come to find that it’s more than just a light bulb moment. That those moments are actually darker than the glossed over stories we’ve been told. It’s more than just listening to the whispering of your soul. It’s uncovering. It’s removing layers of an old belief system that no longer serves you. It’s days without motivation. It’s grieving old parts of ourselves. Several deaths of who we used to be in order to step into who we need to be. There’s so much pain, but no one says what that pain really looks like. I’m not sure if it’s the fear of acknowledgement, of embarrassment, or of privacy that people shy away from the true stories of their souls, but I’d like to open it up for conversation. It’s time we stop sweeping. It’s time we stop hiding. It’s time to step into the light, and move out of the dark.